Four steps to an effective tough conversation.
Underperformance, conduct, a clash in the team, a promise not kept. Most managers know the conversation is needed and put it off, because they are not sure how it will go.
On this page
Prepare on one page, describe the issue in about a minute, assess it together and agree a dated next step. Know your own reaction under pressure before you start.
A tough conversation goes better when it is prepared in a particular way. It has four parts: one before you sit down and three in the room. The preparation is where most of the value is, and it is the part most people skip. If you would rather work through it interactively, the Conversations Companion builds a one-page prep sheet from a couple of menus and keeps your notes in your own browser. The method is the same.
Prepare – seven questions on one page
- Define the issue in one sentence, and write your opening line. Put your intent in it: what you want to come out of this.
- List the one or two messages you must convey whatever their reaction. For each: what are the specific facts, and what is their impact?
- Write two or three open questions you want to ask – what, how, who, when. “What is your assessment of the situation?” “What is getting in the way?”
- Decide your desired outcome, and your next best alternative if you don’t get it.
- How do you expect them to react, and what will you do if they do?
- How are you likely to react? Everyone has a default under pressure: fight or flight. Which is yours, and what tends to trigger it?
- Why does this conversation matter, and what happens if you don’t have it? Write the answer down. You will need it.
Preparing this way keeps the conversation on the right things and moving towards action rather than circling.
Describe the issue – in about a minute
State your intent up front so they understand the purpose of the discussion. Then make a brief statement of the issue and its impact: two or three sentences, with examples, in a level tone. Impact is not only evidence; it includes perception and feelings, and it is fair to say so. Then stop, and let them react before you continue. This sets the tone for everything that follows and turns it into a conversation rather than a verdict.
Assess the issue together
Ask for their point of view and listen properly – not for the gap in which to make your next point, but for what they are telling you about how they see it. Acknowledge their views and feelings. Use your open questions. Gather anything you did not know. Then summarise the issue in the light of what you have heard and check you have an agreed understanding of it. You may well revise your view of the problem at this stage; that is the point of the stage.
Agree what happens next
Ask for their ideas first, then offer yours and state your requirements. Turn it into one or two specific goals with dates. Discuss what could get in the way and how you will both deal with it. Agree how and when you will follow up, and put the date in the diary before you leave the room. A jointly owned way forward with a measurable goal and a date is what separates a conversation that changes something from one that merely happened.
If there is no progress at the follow-up: share the consequences of inaction plainly. If there is still none, say that the next step is a formal improvement process, and seek support from your own manager and HR.
Managing your own reaction
If your default is fight:
- breathe and count before you answer;
- stay curious rather than jumping to a judgement (“what makes you see it that way?”);
- restate what you have heard, which buys you time;
- stick to the facts;
- name the emotion rather than acting on it (“I’m frustrated by this, because…”);
- and if you need to, take a break and resume.
If your default is flight:
- before the meeting, remind yourself why it matters, what it will cost if you don’t have it, and what the worst realistic outcome is and whether you can live with it;
- in the room, when you feel yourself backing down, restate what they have said, acknowledge their feelings, and then restate the facts and your expectations.
Backing down is not kindness; it means having the same conversation again in three months, with less goodwill.
From great{with}talent’s consultancy tools for managers. The Conversations Companion turns this method into a printable preparation sheet for underperformance, conduct, recognition and career conversations; it is free and nothing you type leaves your browser.
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